The Colour Chart

10 05 2010

So true.

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Unlikely Story

31 03 2010

This is a note sent to a teacher in regard to a picture (that we all have seen) a little girl drew of her mommy at work.





This year’s Ontario Economic Cheque…

30 03 2010

Just in Case You Get a Cheque….

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment i.e HST rebate.  This is a very exciting program from the Ontario government.
I’ll explain it using the Q and A format:
—————————————————————

Q.  What is Ontario’s Economic Stimulus payment?
A.  It is money that the provincial government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money?
A.  From taxpayers..

Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money?
A.  Only a smidgen.

Q..  What is the purpose of this payment?
A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q.  But isn’t that stimulating the economy of Asia ?
A.  Shut up or you don’t get your check.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

1.  If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China .
2.  If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia .
3.  If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
4.  If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala ..
5.  If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea ..
6.  If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan ..
7.  If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.

Or, you can keep the money in Canada by:

1.   spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2.   going to baseball or football games, or
3.   hiring prostitutes, or
4.   buying cheap beer or
5.   getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-owned businesses still operating in Canada.

Conclusion:
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you’re drunk enough to go get tattooed.





Happy Birthday Andrew!!!

23 02 2010

To the best brother I have ever known and the coolest kid in the world, I wish you the best birthday ever.  Much love.

Here’s A happy Bday video for you:
Vodpod videos no longer available.

And another:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Now for your gift. Since I leave for Hong Kong tomorrow I’m coming back with this outfit for you. PENIS PANTS Baby!!!

Andrew Ordinary's future Bday outfit





Epic Wendy’s Review

19 02 2010

LOL.  I can’t believe someone wrote this review online.  I can’t believe I’m writing about them writing about it!  Enjoy.

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Mushroom Kingdom Shore

21 01 2010

you knew it was gonna happen! Shamefully there is this weird Obsession for Jersey shore here at Read Kevin and just can’t get enough of the Jersey Shore spoofs… I’m gonna say I personally don’t watch the show (well I did watch the show for about 11 minutes before getting so mad at television I punched my dog) but shit I’d still watch any spoof of Jersey Shore and think I was watching the show.





Drunk Driving

8 01 2010

Recently a routine police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.

Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing . After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man’s intoxication.

The police officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station – this breathalyser equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy”.

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Smoking Koala

4 01 2010

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, ‘Hey Koala! What are you doing?’

The koala said, ‘Smoking a joint, come up and have some.’ So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was ‘dry’ and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, ‘What’s the matter with you?’

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, ‘Hey you!’

So the koala looked down at him and said,

‘Fuuuuuuck, dude…
How much water did you drink!?’

Smoking Koala

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Did I just read that right?

4 01 2010

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow, UK.  They get funnier and funnier

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.


3. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.


4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.


5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.


6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.


7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.


8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.


9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.


10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.


11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.


12. She is numb from her toes down.


13. While in ER, she was examined,  x-rated and sent home.


14. The skin was moist and dry.


15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.


16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.


17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.


18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.


19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.


20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.


21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.


22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.


23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.


24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.


25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.


26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.


28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.


29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.


30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.


31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.


32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.


33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

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Anal Glaucoma

20 11 2009

Another new illness to watch out for……..Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home
because she is not feeling well.

” So, what’s the matter?” he asks.

“I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice.

” And what the hell is anal glaucoma?”

“I just can’t see my ass coming into work today.”

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