Slap Chop Review By My Cousin Vinny

5 02 2010

Ok…… so I got a slapchop.

This dirty son of a bitch Vince convinced me that this invention would save time, and help me eat healthy. Fuck Vince and his goddamn nuts. Fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini…suck my weenie you douche bag. Let me tell you what this holy terror of a kitchen utensil does……absolutely nothing.
Let’s look at a few things:

1. This thing is made of plastic and has a sharp blade hooked to a sprung and a plunger. This is a poor combination to begin with…

2. The slapchop is about the size of a coffee grinder, which means to you need to slapchop size your food prior to actually using the slapchop. In order to do that you need a knife, if I have a knife in my hand already I may as well chop the fuckin vegetable right then and there.

3. One slap for large sizes, 2 to slaps for smaller sizes, three slaps for a fine dice….fuck you.

Here’s what it actually goes like. One slap, twist and pry on plunger because vegetable is wedged in the cutting mechanism. Two slaps, still fucking wedged and no smaller than the last slap…. why? because the fucking blade didn’t actually cut just did a quarter turn with potato stuffed inside. Three slaps, another quarter turn and now your potato is wedged so far into the fucking machine the plunger won’t come out.

Now since the veg is stuffed deep inside this devil contraption you must now take the damn thing apart, easier said than done. Vince says “its easy as one two three” FUCK YOU VINCE! Its easy to take apart sans potato stuffing however once those blades are full it becomes more difficult. Picture this, a slapchop full of potato, the plunger is stuffed all the way to the bottom so you can’t undo the top part, and it won’t turn enough to pry the bottom protector part off.

Now keep in mind that this contraption has a sharp fucking blade in it…so using your fingers to pry out the potato chunks is ill advised. What do you do? Get a tool if course….now because you already had to cut your vegetable to slapchop size you happen to have a knife close by. It only makes sense to use that to dig out the jammed veg.

Ahem…at this point the slapchop is no longer a slapchop, it suddenly becomes a spring loaded vegetable cannon! As soon as you wiggle a tiny piece of the vegetable in question out of harms way you can fully expect to get showered in large chunks of potato (or onion, or peppers)…remember these are large chunks that fly fast and hard…..because this stupid fucking device hasn’t actually CUT ANYTHING!

I am going to personally kill the man that invented this goddamn thing…in fact I’m going to use it on his nuts…..because Vince says it works great on nuts…in fact so well that we are going to love his nuts.

I bet this stupid sonofabitch has a SNUGGIE as well… jonestown punch making cockhead.






One response

5 02 2010

YES YES YES!!!!! Thank God, someone who has felt the pain and sheer frustration I have

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